By Dr. James Snyder
Growing up, I never thought much about what my life would be like when I got old.
I observed my grandparents, and I’m sorry to say that I made fun of them at times, but always behind their backs. I never thought I would ever be in their situation.
It wasn’t until recently that I realized getting old and ugly has some significant perks. When I was young, I never thought of it this way, but I am starting to realize it now. It makes me smile to see the perks I’m discovering.
I never in a million years realized that getting old and ugly wasn’t as bad as I thought it was — especially when I consider the perks, like discounts or help from strangers, which I find amusing. I’m not sure how they handled their perks, but I’m beginning to learn that there are benefits to getting old and especially ugly.
Nobody wants to admit they are ugly. They don’t spend enough time looking in the mirror to come to that universal conclusion. I have a relative, who shall be nameless, who is obsessed with their looks, especially the wrinkles on their face. As I have seen it, as you get older, wrinkles appear. But this relative truly does not like wrinkles.
I’m not sure how much money they spent on Botox and all that other stuff to get rid of their wrinkles, especially on their face. For me, I have saved that money for more important things, like Apple Fritters.
This relative who’s obsessed with wrinkles is very tempting to me. Every time I see them, I look at their face and say, “Is that a new wrinkle on your face? It looks marvelous.” It won’t be long before they run to the bathroom and check out what I was talking about.
Some of the perks of getting old are the help sometimes people will give you. The other day, for example, I was walking to a store; I had hurt my leg a couple of days before. Because of that, I was using a cane, and I looked like I was limping. I felt grateful for the kindness I received, which warmed my heart.
When I came to the door, before I could even open it, someone was there to open it for me and invite me inside. I never expected that perk, but I’m coming to enjoy it. I must confess, I sometimes exaggerate my limping to get the attention I need. However, the attention always comes my way.
Perhaps the biggest perk in my life is being ugly-something I’ve come to accept and even enjoy. I realize that for some, aging might bring different perks. Still, for me, I like the way I look and the advantages it brings, like not being taken too seriously.
The perk of being ugly is something I just found out. When I was young, I was very careful around people, especially women. I made it a rule not to talk to women I did not know. I know it can look a little suspicious, and I don’t want that to go on my record.
But being ugly means that nobody is going to take you seriously. I can walk up to a group of women, for example, and begin a conversation, and nobody thinks anything about it.
The Gracious Mistress of the Parsonage can have the greatest confidence that wherever I am, and if I’m alone, no woman is going to hit on me. I just discovered that recently. I was so protective up to this point, but now that I’m old and ugly, I have nothing to fear.
It is a blessing to enjoy perks like this. I can be confident in some groups or on my own. I don’t have to worry that someone would spread a rumor that somebody was hitting on me. People don’t hit on ugly men.
It used to be that whenever I went on a trip by myself, I was very cautious. I made sure I had my wedding ring on and my cell phone with me so I could contact The Gracious Mistress of the Parsonage several times a day to make sure I wasn’t in any “situation.”
Three weeks ago, I was in a restaurant by myself, and when the waitress brought my bill to the table I said in a very joking way, “Do old and ugly men get discounts?”
We both laughed together, and when we were done laughing, she said, “As a matter of fact, we do give discounts like that. I can give you a 20% discount on your bill today.”
At first, I thought she was joking, but when the bill came, I saw the 20% discount. Oh, what a joy it is to be old and ugly. It’s surprising how many perks come with this stage of life, and I’m enjoying every one of them.
I want to get as old and ugly as I possibly can and live long enough to cash out on all the perks available.
The older and uglier I get, the more I understand the beauty of the life I’m living. That made me think of a wonderful Bible verse.
Proverbs 20:29, “The glory of young men is their strength: and the beauty of old men is the grey head.”
My grey hair reveals my beauty; I’m proud of it, and I don’t care what other people think.